The previous post slipped by fairly quietly, but I did get a message to my phone from a friend.
> Have a look into that Unf*ck Yourself series, it is decent
Sounded like I'd been sent the link prior... well, this time then....
I asked for a summary of the book, and the general vibe I gathered was that your life is the way it is because of you. Not because of what happened to you, not because of them, not because of fate. And for the first time, instead of flipping into blame or collapse as is so often the case (like every time prior), I felt ready to look inwards. Not to swallow shame, but to reclaim ground and try to get my shit ready for the next time the boy feels hurt.
It seems I have spent a lifetime pointing fingers — sometimes at the world, sometimes at my lovers, and too often at myself. What I hadn’t done was look underneath the pointing. Underneath the man-child rage, which isn't so much rage any more, but still is a long way from grounded calm.
Before I'd turned two, my mum had left my dad, pregnant with my brother. I was soon to move from the centre of both parents world to the side-line of just one.
Clearly my mothers attention had to be primarily focused on the new-born and although I understand that now, it has clearly left some marks. I guess I needed someone else (dad) to turn to, but he only appeared sometimes. I remember clinging to his leg many times when he was trying to leave, and I also remember him getting repeatedly booted in the shins as he cowered in the corner of the living room.
In my early years I created an alter-ego, and would blame him for naughty acts - he was called Asher too - clever....
He was the part of me that carried the fire, the protest, the hunger to be seen. Splitting to survive, says my new guru - he was the one that misbehaved, acted out, and took the blame - keeping me safe.
I was aware of my misbehaviour, ashamed, and so this part of me I pushed deep down. And so the first tasks suggested to me were to go meet the boy, just for company at first, make him feel seen.
Reclaiming the Blame, Reclaiming Myself. So often I've blamed my mum, or my dad, or the latest ex, but what I should have been doing is finding the part of me I disowned and giving him some moral support by offloading some emotional baggage - 'learning to hold my emotional fire without letting it burn my life down', right.
It’s about not waiting in windows anymore. Something I would do for hours on a Saturday waiting for my dads car to arrive in front of the house - many a time it never arrived. Could you think of a clearer definition of waiting for love? Something I read is sure to fuck you.
It's also about not asking (emotionally unavailable or otherwise) lovers to “look after my heart”, before I’ve made it safe inside myself.
And so these past few weeks I've visited the boy in the window, the one left waiting, anxious, and confused. I'm told to speak to him and tell him he was worth showing up for then, and I he still is today.
Honestly, this has been tough - I've burst into tears reading responses from the AI when I divulge information and stories from my youth.
I asked the AI prior to starting one exercise if the person climbing the ladder up to my treehouse (my elevated space of safety) should be my dad and not me. It responded yes, because it was his job to make that effort to climb, and that I'd already done enough waiting and wondering, internalising the absence. Fucking brutal. I got some strange looks from those passing my sun lounger that afternoon - not convinced my shades hid too much.
This tells me I'm on the right track though, and that there is some important work to do. And again, not to blame, but so to rebalance and take a step in the direction of 'repairing the inner architecture of worth'.
So, learning that (self)worth grows when I do, not when someone else finally shows up and chooses me. Sorting some boundaries out and not ignoring the red alerts (their talk, my physical decline, etc) to please others or avoid shame. And not needing to shape shift or split to be safe - showing up as I am, with the fire and truth, just containing it and guiding the torch better.
Thanks mate, I'll be back with more at some point soon.
Asher
